This deserves its own thread (Jack Bauer Facts)

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This deserves its own thread (Jack Bauer Facts)

Postby ONeillSG1 on Sun Jan 22, 2006 1:08 am

Random Jack Bauer facts

Much like the ones for Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris, but much COOLER!!!!

Enjoy, DAMN IT!

EDIT: AWESOME!

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.


If Jack Bauer and Walker, Texas Ranger ever happened to get within 10 feet of each other, the universe will explode. Fortunately, they would both survive.


It was not a meteor impact that killed the dinosaurs, it was actually the result of Jack Bauer arm-wrestling Chuck Norris.


Jack Bauer is so badass, his gun reloads itself out of fear.


Audrey Raines' nose is crooked because Jack Bauer once gave her a facial.


A Zen student once asked his master: "Does Jack Bauer seek enlightenment?" To which the Zen master replied "No, enlightenment seeks Jack Bauer." At that moment, the student became enlightened.
Last edited by ONeillSG1 on Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:29 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby burlivesleftnut on Sun Jan 22, 2006 1:11 am

haha

"Jack Bauer can divide by zero."

"Jack Bauer once had CTU open a socket to the depths of hell."
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Sun Jan 22, 2006 1:16 am

Jack Bauer has never been seen using the restroom. It is rumoured that anyone who witnesses this Holy event, immediately engulfs in flames.


One time, at band camp, Jack Bauer killed a guy with a flute.


If Jack Bauer says: "I need a hack saw..." get him a hack saw. And while you are at it, get him some sort of bag to put whatever appendage Jack's about to cut into... He'll like your initiative... and someday, that may save your life.
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Postby T-MACK on Sun Jan 22, 2006 1:21 am

How does Jack Bauer screw in a lightbulb? He doesn't. He can see in the dark.

Damn, ever since those Chuck Norris facts came out, I've been replacing the name Chuck with Jack Bauer. Nice to see I'm not the only one who appreciates this nations true asskicker of death.
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Postby Bean on Sun Jan 22, 2006 1:29 am

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
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Postby Ribbons on Sun Jan 22, 2006 1:44 am

LOL. Hey man, when these random facts are good, they're good.
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Postby Shane on Sun Jan 22, 2006 2:05 am

how many 24 threads we going to have here?
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Postby Ribbons on Sun Jan 22, 2006 2:24 am

Pretty sure this is only the second or third. Unless you count that "Punky Power vs. The Force" thread. Anyways, take it easy, they seem different enough to me.
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Postby cap on Sun Jan 22, 2006 8:08 pm

Has Jack Bauer and Captain America ever been seen in the same place, at the same time? Food for thought.
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Postby havocSchultz on Sun Jan 22, 2006 8:48 pm

somebody tried to BAN jack bauer from somewhere once - he exploded them - that is why it is now spelled B4NN3D - so as to escape detection and prevent jack bauer from remembering those days and exploding you...

jack bauer wears 4 condoms and still gets girls pregnant...

jack bauer was once thrown out of a rapidly moving vehicle - the pavement moved out of the way because it was afraid of possibly hurting him slightly...

jack bauer is actually canadian...he can when it's -30 outside - he enjoys a slurpee...
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Postby DennisMM on Sun Jan 22, 2006 9:13 pm

Not only is Jack Bauer officially dead, Jack Bauer does not exist. There is no one on the US payroll named Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer was created in a South Korean cloning lab, rush-grown, and implanted with memories of experiences derived from Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis action movies. To this day, Chuck cries at night when he remembers his memories being forcefully stolen.
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Postby thomasgaffney on Sun Jan 22, 2006 9:16 pm

DennisMM wrote:To this day, Chuck cries at night when he remembers his memories being forcefully stolen.


Liar! Chuck Norris has never cried a day in his life.....
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Postby Seppuku on Sun Jan 22, 2006 9:19 pm

Jack Bauer chews rocks to aid digestion.

When Scarface killed his Cuban brother, Steven Bauer, Jack Bauer swapped that big pile of cocaine for sugar. He now uses the Charlie to sweeten up his coffee.
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Postby DennisMM on Sun Jan 22, 2006 9:25 pm

thomasgaffney wrote:
DennisMM wrote:To this day, Chuck cries at night when he remembers his memories being forcefully stolen.


Liar! Chuck Norris has never cried a day in his life.....


Okay! He does let his wife drop glycerin into his eyes, because he NEEDS to cry but lacks the equipment.
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Mon Jan 23, 2006 5:24 pm

Greatest link ever.
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Postby Vegeta on Mon Jan 23, 2006 5:40 pm

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.


It's not a kiddie game anymore!

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas


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Postby The Ginger Man on Mon Jan 23, 2006 7:45 pm

Everyone actually knew Jack Bauer was alive, b/c everyone knows Jack Bauer can't be killed. They only let Jack be dead in hopes that Jack would not return the favor.
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Mon Jan 23, 2006 8:01 pm

None of you can properly deal with the Punky Power. When you read Jackisms, it tickles your brain, because the Punky Power is trying to seep in, and your body's natural defenses are trying to resist.

Futile.
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Postby Bob Samonkey on Mon Jan 23, 2006 8:13 pm

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...


Freaking killed me.
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Mon Jan 23, 2006 11:13 pm

Bob Poopflingius Maximus wrote:
Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...


Freaking killed me.


AWESOME!!! Love me this thread.
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Mon Jan 23, 2006 11:39 pm

Oneill, might I suggest that you put something in the title that suggests that this is a Punky Power friendly thread, so that the rest of our bretheren can know to come and rejoice in the magnitude of our favorite hero.
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Postby cinephile2000 on Tue Jan 24, 2006 12:49 am

X-men and jedi both fear Jack Bauer.
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:03 am

DirtyRatBastard wrote:Oneill, might I suggest that you put something in the title that suggests that this is a Punky Power friendly thread, so that the rest of our bretheren can know to come and rejoice in the magnitude of our favorite hero.


Done and done.
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:08 am

Brilliant!
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:21 am

I think we are falling out of favor, why would your title be altered again?
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:28 am

One more time?
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:32 am

I am beginning to believe that there is rising animus against Punky Power and all of its trappings.

There are voices of dissent out there, and someone is listening.
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:38 am

Talk about a revolution well, I know, you don't to change the world . . .
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:44 am

I think some of the Force freaks are perturbed that I dare suggest that Punky Power is stronger.
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Tue Jan 24, 2006 3:11 pm

I sense a plot to destroy the Punky Power . . .
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Tue Jan 24, 2006 4:00 pm

There is a plot...

And I think that the Lupe example will be argued. But to that, I say, Punky Power is precient, and is certainly not a bad word!!!
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Postby cap on Tue Jan 24, 2006 4:10 pm

DirtyRatBastard wrote:I think some of the Force freaks are perturbed that I dare suggest that Punky Power is stronger.


Punky Power eliminates the need for the force!!!!
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Tue Jan 24, 2006 5:46 pm

Many would dispute it, but you, Cap, speaks the truth
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Postby cap on Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:16 pm

DirtyRatBastard wrote:Many would dispute it, but you, Cap, speaks the truth

They can dispute it if they want. I welcome the debate, I believe I have the trump card, so I'm not real worried.

The thing is with Punky Power is either you have it or you don't. You can acquire it, but it a hell of a ride to get to it.
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:21 am

The difference between the power of Punky Power and the power of the Force is the same as the difference between Bounty Hunters like Boba Fett and Jedi in the Star Wars novels, comics etc.

They have the stones to go after the Jedi, they know they'll be in for a fight, but damn it, they know that they are going to win. Why?

Star Wars-esque Punky Power.

Despite the fact that Jango lost his head and Boba got swallowed whole, I think the Star Wars version of Punky Power would work as a model. Just need to look at the EU.

What the hell am I talking about? I lost myself at the first Bounty Hunters.
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:12 am

The Laws of Punky Power are coming, because we need to stop the war before it starts...
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Postby ONeillSG1 on Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:24 am

The Power of the Punky Power clouds everything . . .
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Postby DirtyRatBastard on Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:56 am

Soon, it will be clear as day, and the Laws of Punky Power will change the way you think about EVERYTHING.
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