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Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 9:01 am
by WinslowLeach
I read somewhere that Neil Cumpston is really Patton Oswalt, now everytime I read one of his reviews I can hear Pattons voice. Is this true or just BS?

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 9:04 am
by Moriarty
Neill Cumpston is Neill Cumpston.

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 9:14 am
by AtomicHyperbole
Where's that salty motherfucker been anyhow? It's been a while since I read some good film porn.

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 10:53 am
by so sorry
AtomicHyperbole wrote:Where's that salty motherfucker been anyhow? It's been a while since I read some good film porn.


Speak of the Devil...


Neil reviews 300

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 11:36 am
by ONeillSG1
Moriarty wrote:Neill Cumpston is Neill Cumpston.


And Anna Nicole is hanging out with Elvis in a Montana truck stop.

LoL

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 11:39 am
by havocSchultz
I'm TheRealNeillCumpston...

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 11:40 am
by WinslowLeach
Baddaboom!

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 2:06 pm
by RogueScribner
That was the greatest review ever.



DUDE-ITY!!!

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 2:22 pm
by Fievel
RogueScribner wrote:DUDE-ITY!!!


That has just become part of my everyday vocabulary.

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 2:22 pm
by Lord Voldemoo
Director with a dick made of three machine guns...

Neill...love you. :oops:

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 2:40 pm
by Hermanator X
The truth is out, and Mori is pissed.

Drew at Hitfix wrote:Peter Travers broke a confidence, and he's a douche. Seriously. The only reason he ran that is to make himself look cool, and he just burned down a multi-year joke as a result. Blow me, Travers.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 2:54 pm
by Lord Voldemoo
Hermanator X wrote:The truth is out, and Mori is pissed.

Drew at Hitfix wrote:Peter Travers broke a confidence, and he's a douche. Seriously. The only reason he ran that is to make himself look cool, and he just burned down a multi-year joke as a result. Blow me, Travers.


FUCK!

that sucks...but it sounds like Oswalt was ready for the truth to come out, if he told Travers.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:09 pm
by TheBaxter
this has been an open secret for a long time. not really worth getting bothered over, i would think.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:19 pm
by instant_karma
What joke got ruined exactly?

A bunch of people say 'Hey, this Cumpston guy writes in a way that's very similar to a lot of Patton Oswalt's comedy. I think Cumpston might actually be Oswalt!'

Then Moriarty says 'No, he isn't.'

As far as I could see, that was a the joke.

Shame it's all finaly come crashing down :roll:

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:20 pm
by Pacino86845
instant_karma wrote:Then Moriarty says 'No, he isn't.'

As far as I could see, that was a the joke.


instant_karma is Dino Delaurentiis!!!! Joke's ruined!!

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:23 pm
by Ribbons
I'd be interested to see what Travers's rebuttal would be, if any. Not that I have a whole lot of respect for him as a critic, but I don't think Neill Cumpston "officially" being Patton Oswalt changes all that much. Most of the people who read his reviews have known it was him for years.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:36 pm
by instant_karma
Pacino86845 wrote:
instant_karma wrote:Then Moriarty says 'No, he isn't.'

As far as I could see, that was a the joke.


instant_karma is Dino Delaurentiis!!!! Joke's ruined!!


Pacino, you god damned putz!! I a scold you!!!

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:37 pm
by TheBaxter
at least they haven't let the cat out of the bag about Hercules actually being Kevin Sorbo.

oops. :oops:

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:43 pm
by Seppuku
Pfft. Maybe it's not such a shame Travers blew his cover, considering Cumpston's latest review for AICN sucked the big one.

Where every rivet was fastened by someone with murder on their minds? Every windshield tamped into place by someone who wanted to blow up the world? Every steering column and gas pedal affixed by the damned? It’s as if the metal, rubber and fuel themselves were infused with rage.


This from the man who gave us the phrase "shotgun full of handjobs exploding in my balls"? For shame...

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 6:59 pm
by Fievel
I just hope this doesn't mean the end of the Cumpston reviews.... although it HAS been forever since the last one....

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 7:28 pm
by minstrel
I still think his review of Hobbit-Man: The King Returns is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

C'mon, Patton! We need more Cumpston reviews!

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 7:57 pm
by Nachokoolaid
You know what would be great in a Neil Cumpston thread? Links to his actual reviews.

Neil Cumpston wrote:HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS

Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like they re trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it s Planet of Furry stick Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond Dumbledore to where they re paying old people to take a dump on them. Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY Dumbledore and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK, the Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third X-Men movie had come out this summer it probably would have been some crippled crock of crap where Wheelchair Charlie traps Fuck Yeah Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap where Wolverine thinks he s a time traveler from a hundred years ago romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New York. Of course, the X-Men movie would try to redeem itself in the third act by having Wolverine realize it s a mind-illusion and cut Meg s head off and play dodgeball with it, but it would be too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen.

But guess what' One movie series turned that rule on its head. One 3-movie series said, Wait a minute, we re going to make the 3rd movie SO tits it will make the FIRST two movies look Dumbledore. I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that s the movie I was talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you ll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie. It s also, thank fucking God, LOUD. Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts you ll take it off because I swear to fucking Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going to come from, or when something big is going to crunch someone s skull while you picture that person getting their skull crushed is really your neighbor upstairs that plays Dido all day or that dude at the Starbucks who s always reading and looking all smart. Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and I think it s almost four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all pencil sketches of the characters, which I think means they ran out of money). So if you bring some chick who s all like, I have a spinning class tomorrow or I m thirsty tell her to go home and watch Dumbledore Dudes and the Straight Guy because this movie takes fucking commitment. I saw the one dude in front of me who was with this girl, and the President of Warner Brothers came out and said, This movie is three hours and twenty minutes, and before I could say, So what, gaylord the chick says to the dude she s with that she has to GO. And he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE it even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably could have made out with her, but he was like, I m going make out with this movie, that s how good it is. See ya, hottie. This movie starts with the origin of Golem that creepy guy who looks like Iggy Pop and wears Tarzan pants and wants the invisible-ring. He s still on a quest with the two hobbits - Rudy from the film RUDY and Fredo - to throw the ring into a volcano (this is like a serious version of JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). The ring is also evil but you keep thinking, while you watch it, that someone should put it on and check out some boobs. I have a feeling those scenes will be in the DVDs. At the same time, the two other midget-men and the giant hippies have seriously fucked up that one evil guy s tower (he was Count Duke in Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II), and they hook back up with Magneto, and also that chick with the bow and arrows and finally the Giant Midget with the Axe. Oh, and also that I Don t Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there s a lot of lines like, Rohan shall ride! and Gondor still stands! and Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith! and also there s some shit with the elves that s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes.

But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE OF SHIT-YOUR-PANTS, which isn t the actual name of the battle but SHOULD be because you will shit stuff you did not eat when you see it. It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men takes this orb from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowing eye s plan (or part of it something about a tree dying and Enya music playing). So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. There s this one medium-sized battle in a city that is like the last line of defense for the Big-Ass White City and it s pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and these huge flying bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the dudes riding them and fuck them up from the floor up. They re really loud, too, and a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears. Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer to the volcano, and Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave where there s a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because even in real life giant spiders are bad news. Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually happens in the second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what' Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn t have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting these books, and now the movies are so kick-ass that some people are going to go back and READ the books, which wouldn t have happened if he d just filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now, smarty' Let me give you an example of how NOT to make books into movies:

This summer a huge bucket of farts came out called LEAGUE OF ADVENTURE GENTLEMEN. It was about how a bunch of characters from old-timey books got together and fucked up bad guys. And NO ONE SAW IT. Why' First, they picked a bunch of characters like Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde and Dracula-Woman and Huck Finn. These are all characters from books that were written five hundred years ago. Huck Finn was actually written before writing. These are the kind of books they make you read in summer school but you re all like, Fuck you, I m going to play Sonic on my Sega and you totally complete all the levels by August. So who the fuck is going to go see a movie about characters and people they ve never heard of (the movie acts like you re supposed to know who these people are)' Like I said before, MOVIES are the new books, so how about this for a movie (I even thought of a good title):

TEAM 1970 S FOOT-TO-ASSERS The movie opens: A cult killer tries to assassinate Chauncey Gardiner, the President of the United States. Before the brainwashed assassin dies he gasps the word, Cyrus and takes a poison pill. Senator John Bluto Blutarsky forms a super-team to infiltrate New York and take down the Cyrus cult. This team is made up of Bruce (from ENTER THE DRAGON), Dirty Harry Callahan, a now-teenaged Regan MacNeill (who is a stone boner machine and also has devil powers), Quint from JAWS, who s upper torso washed ashore after the shark attacked him, and who has now been made bionic by Oscar Goldman and OSI, and finally Beau The Bandit Durville, who s driving his Trans Am. They enter New York with the Bandit driving like a fucking maniac, and Dirty Harry shooting people out the window and Regan making people s heads explode and shit. Wow! They get to the center of the Cyrus Cult headquarters in the middle of Central Park and confront Cyrus. He s controlling his subjects with a glowing Chevy Malibu. Bruce goes totally Jackie Chan on everyone while Harry and the Bandit battle their way to the car. Quint dies bringing down all the cult killers, and they drive off with the Malibu. They also find out that Cyrus was trained by the Parallax Corporation. Back at the White House, they get their next assignment. They must take down the Parallax Corporation, which is being run by Gregory Marmalarde. They are creating an Army of brainwashed super-killers at their facility at Crystal Lake. These new killers are indestructible and a step above the cult killers of Cyrus. For this phase of the mission they are joined by CIA agent Vincent J. Ricardo (from THE IN-LAWS) and off they go. They blast their way into Parallax Headquarters, only to find their way blocked by the new generation of super-killers hockey-mask wearing motherfuckers who have all undergone the Vorhees treatment . Bruce and Regan take on the killers, while Harry and Vincent go for Marmalarde. That s when he reveals his newest, greatest killer New York taxi driver Travis Bickle, who s undergone the Vorhees treatment and is a virtual arsenal of different guns, knives all of which appear from his wrists, chest, even eyes. Bickle killed Marmalarde s frat brother Douglas Neidermeyer in Vietnam. Harry dies fighting Bickle, but not before killing Marmalarde. Ricardo searches the Parallax files, only to find that Parallax is only a tiny part of a much bigger, much more evil power the Thorne Corporation, run by Damien Thorne. He has a huge facility in the Nevada desert, near Area 51. Their final mission is to deliver the Chevy Malibu to Area 51. The Chevy contains a weapon which can defeat Thorne s final plan. Thorne s compound is patrolled and protected by driverless trucks from DUEL and a bunch of those devil limousines from THE CAR. Two teams are sent in The Bandit, driving his Trans Am with Regan and Bruce, and another driver named Kowalski , who will drive the Malibu along with Ricardo. They battle their way through the devil trucks and demon limos until they penetrate Thorne s headquarters. He s got every character from every boring-ass indie film in the last twenty years strapped to posts in this huge chamber full of leather-y ALIEN eggs. The eggs are hatching and putting face huggers on the douche bags from WALKING AND TALKING and SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPES and CHASING AMY and everyone from every Henry Jaglom film ever made and killing them. There s nothing anyone can do they have to stand and watch while all of these characters are slowly and horrible killed before our eyes, and they hatch into Aliens. That s when Kowalski opens the trunk of the Malibu to reveal: ROY NEARY, JR. This is the half-human/half-alien offspring of Roy Neary from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and he starts going outer space whup-ass on the aliens along with Bruce Lee. The Bandit looks at the camera, winks, and smiles. (There can be a lot of shots during the closing credits of The Bandit cracking up). Ricardo and Regan work their way to Thorne s headquarters where there s this huge demon battle between Regan MacNeill and Damien Thorne that will make the audience go, We need new words for HOLY FUCKING SHIT .

See' Use characters from movies thirty years ago, instead of from books five hundred years ago. And by the way, that s only using characters from 70 s films. I also have plans for an 80 s team of ass-kickers and a 90 s team. Everyone who was into movies from before 1969 is dead, and we d actually better hurry with the 70 s thing, now that I think of it. Also, I totally copy-wrote this with the Writer s Society, and I also know a 400 pound man who will man-rape anyone who makes this movie without me.

Okay, back to HOBBIT-MAN, although at this point it s just wall-to-wall awesome. The Battle for the White Mountain City has trolls and elephants and catapults and a battering ram that looks like a dragon head on fire. Also, earlier Gandalf scares off the flying bats-things with his glowing staff. In the battle for the White Mountain City Gandalf just runs around giving orders. How about turning the bad guys into babies or something with his staff' But that would actually cut down on the ass-kicking so, actually, fine. The I Don t Want to Be The King Guy gets a bunch of ghost warriors to fight, and that s just awesome when it happens, and also the elf chick with the bow takes down an elephant all by herself, and the Giant Midget keeps killing people with his axe. Then when THAT battle s over and you re thinking, Just air comes out when I spooge now they stage a whole OTHER battle at Evil Town to distract the orks so Golem and Rudy and Fredo can get to the volcano. And I won t reveal what happens in the volcano except to say it involves Fredo and Rudy getting right to the very edge, but at the last second Fredo turns evil and decides not to throw the ring in, and puts it on instead so he turns invisible, buy Iggy shows up and bites off Fredo s finger and Iggy falls with the ring into the lava and Evil Town is completely destroyed. You will have to find out the rest for yourselves. I hate spoilers. You can totally leave at this point but there s an extra half hour of everyone relaxing and going home and being happy and I guess they put that in so you can realize your pants are choked with poop from all the battle scenes, so thanks. There s also an Annie Lennox song over the closing credits. ''''' How about Led Zeppelin s Ramble On , which is where they got the name Golem, or Ain t Talking Bout Love by Van Halen' Peter Jackson has proved with these films that he is the man to bring A-TEAM to the screen. Five stars. Best movie of the next four years.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 9:22 pm
by Pacino86845
Take THAT, Buzz Killington!!

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 12:41 pm
by Nachokoolaid
Ribbons wrote:
Nachokoolaid wrote:You know what would be great in a Neil Cumpston thread? Links to his actual reviews.


Sorry boss, we'll try harder next time :roll:


Damn, every time I say something, it gets taken in the most assholish way. I was just saying, I've only ever read two of Neill's reviews, and I'd like to read more. It wasn't an attack on the thread.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 12:57 pm
by so sorry

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 6:41 pm
by Nachokoolaid
Some idiot talkbacker wrote:Tarantino's directorial debut? OK, boys and girls, chant it with me: "My Best Friend's Birthday (1987), Reservoir Dogs (1991), Pulp Fiction (1994), ER (1995) (1 episode), Four Rooms (1995) (Man who came to Hollywood segment), Jackie Brown (1997), Kill Bill, Vol: 1 and 2 (2003, 2004), Sin City (2005) (The Big studly Kill Segment), C.S.I. (2005) (2 episodes)... This is all verifiable from IMDB.com--it will take you about 15 seconds. There's no problem writing an informal review--if the phrase "taquito buffet" gets you your $0.50 a word, then great, but a reviewer is still a journalist, and still needs to do things like checking facts. Calling this Tarantino's first directorial project isn't a minor slip--this is cheating the man out of a 20 year carreer. Now, if Neill Cumpston is a 15 year old boy who just got too see his first R-rated film without mommy and daddy, then I suppose this could be excusable, but, failing that his fucking EDITOR should have caught it. Oh, I'm a former reviewer for O.C. Weekly, for what that's worth, (the O.C. Weekly would let me say "fucking," as well.) but hey, I've been paid for the same job, did my journalism schooling, and feel my critique of this critic is valid.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

It's funny that so many people just don't get that the whole Cumpston thing is a gag.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 2:10 pm
by Chris a.k.a StuntMike

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 2:34 pm
by TonyWilson
The Spiderman 3 review is pure genius, it hammers the film so accurately but the veneer of praise is hilarious.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 2:52 pm
by Fievel
So Patton Oswald is possibly a member of The Zone?
Sweet.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Sun Feb 01, 2009 10:45 pm
by King Of Nowhere
No chance of him posting.

Mori said he was taking Cumpston with him to hitflix.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:40 pm
by Chris a.k.a StuntMike
"and this is where Jessica Alba comes onscreen and makes your dick want to drive a chicken truck into a burning retard school." Classic.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 12:56 pm
by RogueScribner
Remember Neill Cumptson? Sure ya do.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 1:06 pm
by Fievel
RogueScribner wrote:Remember Neill Cumptson? Sure ya do.


When I saw the Patton Oswald On Caprica article, Cumpston was the first thing I thought of.
I really miss his reviews.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 1:19 pm
by Pacino86845
Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 3:42 am
by DerLanghaarige
RogueScribner wrote:Remember Neill Cumptson? Sure ya do.


Yeah, he's the guy who whose reviews always went like: "Fuck fuck popculture pussy fuck popculture popculture pussy fuck fuck fuck" and wereneither funny, smart or let you even know if he liked the movie (or even watched it). Man, I really hate geek humor.

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 5:39 pm
by minstrel
DerLanghaarige wrote:
RogueScribner wrote:Remember Neill Cumptson? Sure ya do.


Yeah, he's the guy who whose reviews always went like: "Fuck fuck popculture pussy fuck popculture popculture pussy fuck fuck fuck" and wereneither funny, smart or let you even know if he liked the movie (or even watched it). Man, I really hate geek humor.


His review of "Hobbit-Man: The King Returns" is one of the funniest things I've ever read!

Re: Neil Cumpston = Patton Oswalt?

PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:21 am
by Fievel
King Of Nowhere wrote:Mori said he was taking Cumpston with him to hitflix.


Indeed.
Review: Neill Cumpston returns to review 'The Avengers'