Uwe Boll Must Be Stopped! (Now w/ Free Gum!)

Which director made the best films, made the best visuals, or smelled the best? This is the forum to find out.

Which method of Boll torture would be best?

Drawn and quartered
0
No votes
Hung by his nutsack
20
39%
Bashed with a mace
2
4%
Dragged over broken glass
4
8%
Spaghetti Western style beating
7
14%
Head or Nuts crushed in a vice
6
12%
Chinese Water torture
6
12%
Placed in Pirahna tank
6
12%
 
Total votes : 51

Uwe Boll Must Be Stopped! (Now w/ Free Gum!)

Postby WinslowLeach on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:16 pm

I just read Harrys review of Bloodrayne, BloodShit whatever the crap is called and I was lmao when he said Mike Madsen showed up to the set everyday drunk. Frickin hilarious! Why was Madsen even in the film? What is up with him? He goes from working with Quentin Tarantino, one of the best genre directors working today, to working with Toilet Bowl? Why is Boll allowed to make movies? What kind of fucked up mongloid is he?!

Harry thanks alot for mentioning DePalma and Phantom of The Paradise in a freakin Uwe Boll review. You just "Boll tainted" the cult classic masterpiece from which my nickname is from.
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Postby DinoDeLaurentiis on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:20 pm

"Toilet Boll"

IPAMPILASH!
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Re: Uwe Boll Must Be Stopped!

Postby MasterWhedon on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:25 pm

WinslowLeach wrote:Grande Rojo thanks alot for mentioning DePalma and Phantom of The Paradise in a freakin Uwe Boll review. You just "Boll tainted" the cult classic masterpiece from which my nickname is from.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Winslow smells like Boll taint!!
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Postby Flumm on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:29 pm

As someone made of his name in one of the talkbacks, by calling him Uwe Boll(ocks), I voted for him to be hung by his nutsack.

Anyone else suspect that Uwe Boll doesn't really exist? I mean, it doesn't take much to turn the name Uwe Boll, into Huge Bollocks...

...I'm thinking he's an eccentric German performance artist, who has created an elaborate plan to show us all the futility of a shallow, entertainment obsessed, self reverential western culture, by ingeniusly creating the success story of the worlds worst living movie director, "Uwe Boll".

I know I'm right. Just wait and see.
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Postby vicious_bastard on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:31 pm

Harry wrote:Uwe interjected, “Yes, it is fun to make fun of the German, because I Nazi and make movies with that Nazi Money.” Literally that brought down the house laughing.


IPAMPILASH at that.
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Postby WinslowLeach on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:34 pm

"I Nazi" No, You Mongloid.
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Postby MasterWhedon on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:36 pm

How great would it be if Boll was secretly a filmmaking genius and he's just been fucking with us the whole time? I'm telling you, we're all gonna go to the movies one day with rotten tomatoes in hand and then Citizen Fucking BollKane is going to unreel. After a few minutes, we'll look to each other and be like, "Umm, dude, why doesn't this suck?"

I'm telling you, the man's a visionary. He and Andy Kaufman as probably having a good laugh at us all right about now.
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Postby vicious_bastard on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:43 pm

I haven't seen any of his movies. Which is the very worst? I'll start with that.
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Postby ZombieZoneSolutions on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:50 pm

i heard a rumor (read it on the TBs actually which means it is more than likely total bullshit), that Boll continues to get work because of some weird german banking law loophole whereby films that are miserable failures actually make more money! some kind of insurance scam or something? i'm not exactly sure on this, but that's what i read.

in other words, Boll continues to get work because he follows the business model of THE PRODUCERS, and due to some weird german banking laws, is able to keep going...

weird right? could be bullshit too, but it seems reasonable given how much he sucks dead donkey arse and yet inexplicably continues to find work in the industry...

btw, Tony Scott sucks at least as bad as Boll. i shit you not DOMINO was easily the worst move i have ever seen in my entire life.
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Postby WinslowLeach on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:01 pm

Yeah I forgot about that, he runs some half ass-mongloidesque German tax loophole BS scheme so he can keep making movies. What a ALF weinerschnitzel.

I'm convinced Tony Scott is the illegitimate bastard father of Michael Bay.
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Postby wonkabar on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:09 pm

Nutsack baby, nutsack
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Postby so sorry on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:18 pm

When is he going to get around to directiing the Leisure Suit Larry movie!!!

(PS i voted for King Kong........ to stamp on his nutsack)
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Postby wonkabar on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:19 pm

PONG: THE MOTION PICTURE
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Postby docfalken on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:22 pm

Uwe Boll = Max Bialystock

I'm looking forward to Quint's review. Just the idea of hving him and Boll in the same theater has got me pumped.
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Postby John-Locke on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:29 pm

Flumm wrote:As someone made of his name in one of the talkbacks, by calling him Uwe Boll(ocks), I voted for him to be hung by his nutsack.

Anyone else suspect that Uwe Boll doesn't really exist? I mean, it doesn't take much to turn the name Uwe Boll, into Huge Bollocks...

...I'm thinking he's an eccentric German performance artist, who has created an elaborate plan to show us all the futility of a shallow, entertainment obsessed, self reverential western culture, by ingeniusly creating the success story of the worlds worst living movie director, "Uwe Boll".

I know I'm right. Just wait and see.


Seriously Flumm I thought the same thing myself, I'm not joking, it really is the only thing that would make sense.

One day the truth will come out.
Honestly, think about it, not as a joke, this is actually highly probable.
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Postby wonkabar on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:33 pm

John-Locke wrote:
Flumm wrote:As someone made of his name in one of the talkbacks, by calling him Uwe Boll(ocks), I voted for him to be hung by his nutsack.

Anyone else suspect that Uwe Boll doesn't really exist? I mean, it doesn't take much to turn the name Uwe Boll, into Huge Bollocks...

...I'm thinking he's an eccentric German performance artist, who has created an elaborate plan to show us all the futility of a shallow, entertainment obsessed, self reverential western culture, by ingeniusly creating the success story of the worlds worst living movie director, "Uwe Boll".

I know I'm right. Just wait and see.


Seriously Flumm I thought the same thing myself, I'm not joking, it really is the only thing that would make sense.

One day the truth will come out.
Honestly, think about it, not as a joke, this is actually highly probable.

Wow, that's a pretty amazing theory guys. It really must be investigated.
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Postby wonkabar on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:35 pm

I think it's group of people with some actor in front posing as "Uwe Boll"
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Postby so sorry on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:36 pm

"because I Nazi and make movies with that Nazi Money"

that's jsut some funny shit right there...
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Postby Flumm on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:36 pm

John, I'm trying to think of a story or a character where something simmilar has happened. I've got this vague idea in my head that this idea has been explored somewhere, subverting an idea, by ridiculing it to it's fullest.

EDIT: And I don't mean generally, I know there is the whole idea of parody. I mean something more specific.
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Postby John-Locke on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:41 pm

It sounds like something Kubrick would do.
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Postby wonkabar on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:42 pm

wonkabar wrote:I think it's group of people with some actor in front posing as "Uwe Boll"

Definitely a group. Like, you know how some people theorise that Shakespeare was really a collective (I don't believe that) well "Uwe Boll" is like an anti-version of that....maybe even Satanists
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Postby so sorry on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:43 pm

wonk, did you just quote yourself?
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Postby wonkabar on Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:45 pm

wonkabar wrote:
wonkabar wrote:I think it's group of people with some actor in front posing as "Uwe Boll"

Definitely a group. Like, you know how some people theorise that Shakespeare was really a collective (I don't believe that) well "Uwe Boll" is like an anti-version of that....maybe even Satanists

Yes
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Postby darthevilbob on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:21 pm

The thing is, how come all these film companies who are aquiring game rights, asking him to direct them?

Does he work for free

Does he give out blowjobs like kevin smith?

Or perhaps he's like the hypnotist from little britain: "look into my eyes, not around the eyes but into my eyes...."
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Postby John-Locke on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:28 pm

The sad thing is, in about four years there will be dozens of Uwe Boll Film Marathons, Festivals & Fan sites etc, as he suddenly gathers a strong Cult Following, and it will be all our fault for talking about him so much.
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Postby athenabodicea on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:37 pm

I had to pick hung by his nutsack...lol
I laughed so hard... I would really love to see someone get hung by their ballsack... is that wrong???
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Postby tfactor on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:40 pm

very very wrong!!!! Now I'm going to get some ice ... for my crotch ... never mind

I went dragged over broken glass, but only cause it gives me the hebejebes, but now that you mention it, yeah need some ice
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Postby John-Locke on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:43 pm

I think some Germans actually like getting hung from their Ballsack, put his nut's in a vice & let him suffer for days I say.
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Postby athenabodicea on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:47 pm

John-Locke wrote:I think some Germans actually like getting hung from their Ballsack, put his nut's in a vice & let him suffer for days I say.


Just exactly who admitted that to you??? lol
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Postby John-Locke on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:51 pm

I think I saw it on the C4 show EuroTrash, I'm not joking either, the Germans are really kinky.
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Postby The Garbage Man on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:55 pm

HEADGEEK wrote:Hell, [Boll] even signed an autograph for Quint on an audience voting card that Quint had marked POOR on in advance.


LOL.

I knew there was a reason I like Quint.
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Postby wonkabar on Tue Oct 25, 2005 2:12 am

John-Locke wrote:The sad thing is, in about four years there will be dozens of Uwe Boll Film Marathons, Festivals & Fan sites etc, as he suddenly gathers a strong Cult Following, and it will be all our fault for talking about him so much.

Well he's got a 6000+ TB on AICN right now.
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Postby Coldfire24 on Tue Oct 25, 2005 2:28 am

I have a theory of my own. Uwe Boll actually works for Jack Thompson. Think about it. What is a great way to destory video game pr and lobbying power. By making bad movies about video games. Not only will gamers hate the game companies but sequels might be cancelled, companies go under. Game over man quite literally game over.
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Postby The Garbage Man on Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:44 am

Coldfire24 wrote:I have a theory of my own. Uwe Boll actually works for Jack Thompson. Think about it. What is a great way to destory video game pr and lobbying power. By making bad movies about video games. Not only will gamers hate the game companies but sequels might be cancelled, companies go under. Game over man quite literally game over.


That's funny, the Postal news made me think of Jack Thompson, too.

Only, in my mind it lead to an all-out 'tard fight between Thompson and Boll, in which they beat each other (even more) senseless.

That'd make for a great movie, come to think of it. I can picture it now...

TVB: Thompson Vs. Boll
"Whoever wins... we win."
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Postby Coldfire24 on Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:49 am

The Garbage Man wrote:
Coldfire24 wrote:I have a theory of my own. Uwe Boll actually works for Jack Thompson. Think about it. What is a great way to destory video game pr and lobbying power. By making bad movies about video games. Not only will gamers hate the game companies but sequels might be cancelled, companies go under. Game over man quite literally game over.


That's funny, the Postal news made me think of Jack Thompson, too.

Only, in my mind it lead to an all-out 'tard fight between Thompson and Boll, in which they beat each other (even more) senseless.

That'd make for a great movie, come to think of it. I can picture it now...

TVB: Thompson Vs. Boll
"Whoever wins... we win."


hahaha. "Whoever wins we win" Classic. I think that would be one killer movie poster. What does Boll look like anyway? I keep picturing a demon from hell but that can't be right...can it?
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Postby Agent Alonzo on Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:30 am

It isn't a failure scam, it is just a tax incentive of 50% of the cost of the film to try and encourage German filmmakers. That means if you get a name property (such as a video game) you can guarantee a profit because all you have to do is make back over 50% of the cost, and pre-sales to cable networks and the like around the world are always over the 50%, so his films can make zero in the theatres, and it makes no difference.
Much more allegedly, the cash is initially put up by German criminals, who use it as a perfect way to launder money, only whereas you normally launder money at a loss (a small price to make illegal become legal), this actually makes them some profit, much of it courtesy of the German tax payer.
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Postby Pacino86845 on Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:52 am

Wow, to think a guy like Werner Herzog worked nights at a factory to raise the money for his first film... and made a large number of excellent movies with extremely low budgets. Man, German cinema's going to go down the drain because of this Boll. *Boll*, makes me wanna puke! I voted that he be hurled into a tank of piranhas.
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Postby ThisIsTheGirl on Tue Oct 25, 2005 6:23 am

I'm all about the scrotal sac, fellows.
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Postby ThisIsTheGirl on Tue Oct 25, 2005 6:57 am

John-Locke wrote:
Flumm wrote:As someone made of his name in one of the talkbacks, by calling him Uwe Boll(ocks), I voted for him to be hung by his nutsack.

Anyone else suspect that Uwe Boll doesn't really exist? I mean, it doesn't take much to turn the name Uwe Boll, into Huge Bollocks...

...I'm thinking he's an eccentric German performance artist, who has created an elaborate plan to show us all the futility of a shallow, entertainment obsessed, self reverential western culture, by ingeniusly creating the success story of the worlds worst living movie director, "Uwe Boll".

I know I'm right. Just wait and see.


Seriously Flumm I thought the same thing myself, I'm not joking, it really is the only thing that would make sense.

One day the truth will come out.
Honestly, think about it, not as a joke, this is actually highly probable.


All this stuff reminded me of something and I've just realised what it is. When I watched the Psycho remake with my gf, she pointed out that, even though the movie itself was pretty shit - perhaps that was part of a wider poin that Van Sant was trying to make. I asked her to explain and she said that Van Sant was a talented guy - I think most people can agree on that. Most people can usually find at least one Van Sant film that they really like, so we can't just dismiss Psycho as being an ill-advised work from a poor director.

So she pointed this out - what if Van Sant's intention was to show that even if you copy the work of a great director shot-for-shot, you still won't get anywhere near recreating the original work of genius, because directing is about so much more than telling the cameraman where to stand.

I thought about it, and it seems like a pretty expensive way to make a point, but I do have a lot of respect for Van Sant and this was the only theory I've heard which goes at least vsome way to explaining the car crash that was the Psycho remake, so your theories on Boll-end don't actually sound that ludicrous to me....
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Postby Pacino86845 on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:06 am

HEADGEEK wrote:There are 2 Uwe Boll's. There's the filmmaker: the inept craftsman of cinematic mung... who is improving in discernable stumbles and falls to being merely mediocre (which frankly is even worse than being epicly awful in my opinion, as being middle of the road awful isn't notable anymore). This film has all the production design and bad action of the worst episode of XENA ever. Then there is UWE BOLL - the person. In person, he seemed all those things I said above. This isn't meant to "cover my ass", the fact is - he was a nice guy, last night at the premiere of his latest vain attempt at cinematic conquest. Being a nice person doesn't mean you can make a movie well? Getting a movie made isn't proof that you're a quality filmmaker either. It just means you had enough charisma and will power to get the money and talent together to make a movie. Uwe is a shrewd businessman that understands that VideoGame films, while not popular in cinemas - make significant money on DVD and Home Video. He uses those numbers to secure his financing and the people putting up the money could care less about quality, they just want names on the posters and video boxes and a branded title. I don't particular care if I ever meet Uwe again, and certainly I don't want ANY business relations with him. But the fact is, I'm not an overtly cruel man, and no matter how much I dislike his films, I will not claim he was anything but a gentleman last night. Hell, he even signed an autograph for Quint on an audience voting card that Quint had marked POOR on in advance. That shows a degree of class on his part. But that's Quint's story.

Harry called Uwe Boll a gentleman. Think about it.
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Postby ThisIsTheGirl on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:29 am

lol - brilliant!
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Postby Flumm on Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:39 pm

From Joblo...
Uwe's got some balls Oct. 27, 2005



Source: Hollywood Reporter, KristannaLoken.net by: Omar Aviles




Dungeon Siege pic You gotta hand it to Uwe Boll - the guy's got some brass balls. The good doctor is planning on releasing his latest chef-d'oeuvre, the video-game-based fantasy adventure DUNGEON SIEGE starring a cast too heartbreaking to mention, in two parts on November 3rd and December 1st of next year. You may remember somebody named Quentin Tarantino doing something very similar with his epic KILL BILL. Tarantino is a film and pop culture icon who's movies are not only some of the most influential but also consistently rank among the best films ever made and even when he split his movie in two, there was some question about how well it would be received. And the truth is that a lot of people did not (and still don't) like it, instead seeing it as a cheap trick to suck as much money as possible out of everyone. Boll, it seems, feels he is a filmmaker of Tarantino's caliber who can pull off splitting his movie in two with similar (and probably in his mind more) success. Like I said, he's got some TITANIUM nuts! By the way, the picture to the right is the first poster of DUNGEON SIEGE (high res version over HERE), which has apparently been renamed IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE to, you know, make it sound more grandiose and epic. Because we all know that any movie with a scope as impressive as DUNGEON SIEGE can't have a shitty two word name. No, you need at least ten words. And a colon. And definitely the word "king" in it.





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:shock: :shock: :shock:




It tooks me several seconds to realise that wasn't Sean Connery in the poster...
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Postby Adam Balm on Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:42 pm

That pic's a broken link to me.
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Postby Lord Voldemoo on Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:43 pm

me too
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Postby John-Locke on Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:45 pm

This is just more proof that the guy doesn't really exist & this is a tax scam.
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Postby Adam Balm on Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:45 pm

I've been seeing a lot of unworking pics being posted lately. Hope it's not a problem here at the Zone.
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Postby Flumm on Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:46 pm

My keyboard has melted I fixed that so fast...

...wish it was for something more worthy than a Uwe Boll film poster though...
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Postby MasterWhedon on Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:26 pm

PEOPLE, THE END IS NIGH!!

RottenTomatoes.com wrote:Scott Weinberg writes: "Seems like you just can't turn on your computer without getting more news from the amazingly consistent filmmaker known as Uwe Boll. With his "BloodRayne" set to hit theaters in a few months and the ink barely dry on his "Postal" contract, the prolific schlock-slinger comes up with another press release: He will release his "Dungeon Siege" in two parts, separated by the space of one month.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, "Producer-director Uwe Boll has created a new distribution company, Event Film, which will release the $60 million "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" in two separate parts in wide release on Nov. 3, 2006, and Dec. 1, 2006. The movie stars Jason Statham, Ray Liotta and Leelee Sobieski.

In a separate development, Boll has also optioned film rights to the controversial video game "Postal," which has sold more than 1 million units despite being banned in 13 countries and having been publicly condemned by U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn. Boll has optioned the game from developer Running With Scissors with plans to film the $10 million-$15 million feature in late 2006 for a 2007 theatrical, marking the 10th anniversary of the game's release.

Regarding the plans to release "Dungeon Siege" in two parts, Boll said it will be "a huge epic adventure, and to support the exhibitors who can't accept a movie so long, we decided to split the movie in half."

Why not split the movie into eighths and sell it directly to the Sci-Fi Channel? Oh, and if you want to be in on all the snarky jokes: Just go out and rent "House of the Dead" & "Alone in the Dark" already. You know you want to at this point."


WE HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THAT SHIT TWICE?!!

I change my vote to the nutsack option.
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Postby so sorry on Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:37 pm

is this guy the anti-christ or what?

Can no one stop him????
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Postby Darth Gore on Fri Oct 28, 2005 2:34 pm

Well...I am from Germany...and all I want to say is SORRY to the worldwide moviegoers ...
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