Uwe Boll Must Be Stopped! (Now w/ Free Gum!)

Which director made the best films, made the best visuals, or smelled the best? This is the forum to find out.

Which method of Boll torture would be best?

Drawn and quartered
0
No votes
Hung by his nutsack
20
39%
Bashed with a mace
2
4%
Dragged over broken glass
4
8%
Spaghetti Western style beating
7
14%
Head or Nuts crushed in a vice
6
12%
Chinese Water torture
6
12%
Placed in Pirahna tank
6
12%
 
Total votes : 51

Postby The Garbage Man on Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:42 pm

so sorry wrote:is this guy the anti-christ or what?

Can no one stop him????


Goddammit...


*cinches up blood-red tie*


I didn't want to do this again...


*slips on a sleek black suit jacket*


But this has to stop...


*pulls on black leather driving gloves*


One last time... just one more time, then the killing can stop...







Now, has anyone seen my Whiffle® bat?
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Postby Pacino86845 on Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:54 pm

Darth Gore wrote:Well...I am from Germany...and all I want to say is SORRY to the worldwide moviegoers ...

From the makers of F.W. Murnau, Fritz Lang, Wim Wenders, Werner Herzog, and Rainer Fassbinder comes...









Uwe Boll!


All Uwe, all Boll.
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Postby Tyrone_Shoelaces on Tue Apr 04, 2006 2:12 am

Boll invades Canada! Can nothing stop him?
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Postby Lady Sheridan on Tue Apr 04, 2006 2:28 am

Does anyone know WHY Sir Ben Kingsley was in this film?

Did he owe Uwe Boll money, or something?
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:29 am

He got a good interview in Empire which partially revealed his human side. He admits to KNOWING tht the script from HOTD was crap, yet filmed it anyhow. He also seemed upset that people thought him backwards.

I think he may be more canny and devious than we give him credit for. Well, for one thing, he's a very good producer to rope in people who's careers are tailing in order to get name recognition.
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Postby Chilli on Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:12 am

Guys and gals -- I think Uwe Boll is great for films... because if he can make a movie starring Michael Madsen, then anyone can make a movie starring Michael Madsen.

Hell - this just makes me think my chances of making a videogame film I have planned (won't say which) have risen since he's shown up.
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Postby Dix_Mcgee on Fri Apr 14, 2006 11:43 pm

The only true explanation for Uwe Boll's success (monetary, clearly not art wise) is he has sold his soul to the devil. There is quite simply no other explanation for how he keeps getting work. NONE!
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Postby Seppuku on Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:42 am

Dale Tremont Presents...

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Postby Logan5 on Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:54 am

Uwe Boll is a genius. He has a brilliant mind, and can somehow get the worst projects greenlighted. Having seen his three "somewhat based on a game"-movies I can tell you that he is actually becoming a better director. If it wouldn't have been for his great skill at getting funding we probably wouldn't have seen movies from him until he had become a better director.
And to his defence I must say that movies like Megalodon and Day of the Dead 2 are far worse, and Doom is in now way better than HotD.

And to all of you who is bitching about Madsen being in BloodRayne, I have to confess that the movie looked really promising until he showed up onscreen. Having that man in a movie is an instant failure. He was cool in Kill Bill and Reservoir Dogs, but he can't act for shit. He does the same thing all the time. Works fine the one or two first films you see with him, after that it gets boring.
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:02 am

He is a genius. Seconded. We got a Uwe Boll Appreciation thread going... I've seen HOTD and AITD, soon to see Bloodrayne! The man is a credit to independent filmmaking production, as he makes everyone else look great. He's needed.
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Uwe Boll Must Be Stopped!

Postby bastard_robo on Wed Jun 21, 2006 5:18 pm

HERE The TRAILER TO HIS NEWEST CRAPFEST!!!!!!!

http://www.inthenameoftheking.com/trailer/dsnew.mov
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Re: Uwe Boll Must Be Stopped!

Postby John-Locke on Wed Jun 21, 2006 5:38 pm

bastard_robo wrote:HERE The TRAILER TO HIS NEWEST CRAPFEST!!!!!!!

http://www.inthenameoftheking.com/trailer/dsnew.mov


BWAHAHAHAHAH!
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Wed Jun 21, 2006 6:07 pm

HORDES OF KRUD ARE RANSACKING THE LAND!

KRUG!

KRUD!

Same dif.
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Wed Jun 21, 2006 6:09 pm

TOMORROW WE MARCH ON CHRISTS WINDHOLE!

I think.

Oh, it gets better, it really does.
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Wed Jun 21, 2006 6:11 pm

You have no idea how powerful madness can be...

Forgive the multiple posts, but the hits keep on coming. This is a must-see.
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Postby King Psyz on Wed Jun 21, 2006 6:44 pm

crazy people and money sure is a funny mix
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Postby Bob Samonkey on Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:58 pm

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AHH HAHAHAHAHAHA

I know its old but it is damn funny
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Postby Starks on Thu Sep 07, 2006 4:18 am

Uwe Boll has taken on his first opponent - Cine Cutre webmaster Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello.

Boll is in the Black. Video goes for 8 minutes.

http://www.joystiq.com/2006/09/06/uwe-i-make-crappy-game-movies-boll-silences-his-first-critic/

Carlos was lucky that Boll didn't take it too him, I doubt the fight would've went half as long as it did if Boll had thrown more then the 5 legit punches that he did.
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Postby Doc Holliday on Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:42 am

Logan5 wrote:And to all of you who is bitching about Madsen being in BloodRayne, I have to confess that the movie looked really promising until he showed up onscreen. Having that man in a movie is an instant failure. He was cool in Kill Bill and Reservoir Dogs, but he can't act for shit. He does the same thing all the time. Works fine the one or two first films you see with him, after that it gets boring.


:shock:

FOUL! The keenly observant, for example, will have noticed how in "Sin City" not only did Madsen furrow his eyebrows in reverse order to his previous on-screen incarnations.....but he also delivered his lines sans white vest.

Bruce Willis looked on agog.....

As for Boll, I can't wait until I get home tonight to watch this - please tell me he had his ass handed to him on a plate
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:51 am

Next week I'll watch this... but I did see Bloodrayne the other day, so now I'm totally versed in the 'Boll.

Truth be told, Bloodrayne is worse than HOTD and AITD combined, by the fact that although it's bearable it's also incredibly boring. Although you do get to see Kristanna's breasts, which is a bonus. But they're in the most laughable sex scene ever, and some guy with a mullet licks them! Got to love Zane's mugging in a pointless letter-writing scene too.
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Postby Retardo_Montalban on Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:53 am

Starks wrote:Uwe Boll has taken on his first opponent - Cine Cutre webmaster Carlos Palencia Jimenez-Arguello.

Boll is in the Black. Video goes for 8 minutes.

http://www.joystiq.com/2006/09/06/uwe-i-make-crappy-game-movies-boll-silences-his-first-critic/

Carlos was lucky that Boll didn't take it too him, I doubt the fight would've went half as long as it did if Boll had thrown more then the 5 legit punches that he did.


Poor internet nerd. He should know better than to take on a German in a test of physical strength. He probably thought he was Rocky or something and Uwe Bowel was Apollo Creed.
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Postby The Vicar on Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:11 am

Hanging by his nutsack is out in front, and it isn't close.

Good on ya!
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Postby Al Shut on Thu Sep 07, 2006 12:11 pm

Hil-fucking-arious!!!

Of course challenging critics to a boxing match is a bit ALF but in a fun jackass way.

Likely to be the most entertaining thing Boll'll ever do.
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Postby papalazeru on Thu Sep 07, 2006 12:49 pm

Its certainly not his movies...thats for sure. This was a better fight...at least I didnt fall asleep through this one.

I wish I was boxing Boll....I would have done the world some justice.
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Postby papalazeru on Thu Sep 07, 2006 5:18 pm

I just realised I chose chinese water torture.

As fun as that is to drive the man insane....I think someone has already attempted that.

He's soooo kooky.
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:24 pm

How many people have actually seen his movies? I'm curious. I've seen them all.
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Postby Bob Samonkey on Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:31 pm

I have yet to see any. I keep meaning to. I just have not got around to it...
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:34 pm

Trust me, AITD and HOTD are actually worth it. My fave scene in AITD is the discussion where Slater and a nun walk away from a house, then walk back to it. Plus any of the scenes with watsisname from Blade barking orders randomly. HOTD is just so freakin' ALF its almost genius... the bullet time shot that goes behind someones shoulder for absolutelynoreason is just sublimely funny! I'm sure you could have some kind of drinking game with that movie.
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Postby Bob Samonkey on Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:46 pm

I do like me some Slater. I will place them in my queue
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Postby Retardo_Montalban on Thu Sep 07, 2006 8:01 pm

I figured I could sustain myself through Alone in the dark by focusing on Tara Reid's legs. But by the end of it, it was Christian Slater's pointy brows and raspy scarcasm that mesmerized me. I'm going to go rent Kuffs now.
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Postby Bob Samonkey on Thu Sep 07, 2006 8:03 pm

Thats funny I was just thinking about renting Pump Up the Volume
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Postby Retardo_Montalban on Thu Sep 07, 2006 8:07 pm

Fuck Kuffs then, I'm going super old school and renting Gleaming the Cube
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Postby thebostonlocksmith on Thu Sep 07, 2006 8:30 pm

Man was gleaming the cube a piece of shit. I sat through that once with an ex-girlfriend who liked it. it was utter drivel.
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Postby Bob Samonkey on Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:33 pm

I enjoy the boobs in Pump Up the Volume. They are small but they are nice...
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Postby silentbobafett on Fri Sep 08, 2006 4:25 am

PUmp up the Volume is a wicked fucking film! I seriously fucking love it! Maaaaaan that film used to be constantly on my VHS machine. VHS. Does anyone remember that? :-)
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Postby magicmonkey on Fri Sep 08, 2006 4:29 am

I remember when I was a VHS (Very High Student), now dem were the daze.
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Postby papalazeru on Fri Sep 08, 2006 7:48 am

AtomicHyperbole wrote:How many people have actually seen his movies? I'm curious. I've seen them all.


Now Ya'see..I make my mind up to watch an Uwe Boll film and then...well gosh darn it, something comes along which I actually want to watch and by the time I get round to Bolls film....its dissappeared from the cinema shelves.

Usually there is a place reserved in the bargain sales bucket at blockbuster just for Uwe.

I can't believe it...hes in pre-production on 3 flim/game tie ins.

Far cry, Dungeon siege and of all things Postal.


How is he doing this???!?!?!?! SOmeone telll me. Thats it! I'm next in the ring. I'll kick his sorry sack of shit ass through hell and back. Thinks he can box huh?

COME TO ME UWE AND FACE YOUR DESTINY.
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:34 am

Because no-one is interested in those properties and they're owned by games publishing houses, of whom are actually far more abusive of a good idea than any Hollywood machine?

I think some of you've gotta actually watch some of these films. They're not great but they're hardly the cinematic abortions some would have you believe, if only by accident than design.
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:36 am

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Postby silentbobafett on Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:49 am

Interesting! I'd like to see Video footage of it!

But who is Jeff Sneider?

Critic Jeff Sneider of Ain't It Cool News did fight back, but not in the ring.

He said Mr Boll had told him the match would be a publicity stunt.

"I think he's a jerk," said Mr Sneider after the fight. "This might be PR, but I don't want to keep getting punched in the head."



Have you ever heard anyone at AICN called athat? I'm guessing its a real name of one of our dudes... but who? And also, as much as Uwe Boll sucks etc I think its unfair of that talkbacks tyle abuse ("jerk") beign used against him. I think it puts a tick next to Uwe that he did this! I think he has humour!

It also puts AICN in bad light! Ihate that word and people who use it like that.... ohhhh I dunno its Monday morning I suppose, it just irritates me... like we're also a bunch of cockknockers telling the press that AICN calls people Jerks.... :-)
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Postby Doc Holliday on Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:21 am

silentbobafett wrote:Interesting! I'd like to see Video footage of it!

But who is Jeff Sneider?

Critic Jeff Sneider of Ain't It Cool News did fight back, but not in the ring.

He said Mr Boll had told him the match would be a publicity stunt.

"I think he's a jerk," said Mr Sneider after the fight. "This might be PR, but I don't want to keep getting punched in the head."



Have you ever heard anyone at AICN called athat? I'm guessing its a real name of one of our dudes... but who? And also, as much as Uwe Boll sucks etc I think its unfair of that talkbacks tyle abuse ("jerk") beign used against him. I think it puts a tick next to Uwe that he did this! I think he has humour!

It also puts AICN in bad light! Ihate that word and people who use it like that.... ohhhh I dunno its Monday morning I suppose, it just irritates me... like we're also a bunch of cockknockers telling the press that AICN calls people Jerks.... :-)


Besides which, its been pretty clear to me reading this thread for a while now that this was always going to be more than just a PR stunt - he [Boll]clearly intended to take his critics to task.

So if he thought it was just PR what was this Jeff guy hoping to get out of it? Greater exposure for AICN? Hardly. Perhaps a signed copy of Alone in the Dark? Oh dear.

See....he [Sneider] should have come to The Zone where he'd have got his facts straight.....there's your jerk ladies and germs....
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Postby WillTurner on Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:30 am

Darth Gore- Well, you gave us Goodbye Lenin, so that evens it up for me.

Frankly you had me at "nutsack". Yet to see one of this man's masterworks, but given the standard of films adapted from games my hopes aren't high.
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Postby silentbobafett on Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:35 am

exactly Doc, exactly...

I suspect Sneider was just some lowly talkbacker (unlike us kick ass Zoners! :-) ) you thought he'd look good saying he was "from" AICN...

Honestly people, 10/10 for Uwe doing this. PR? Sure. N e PR is good PR but look at it though, he's going out and making a bigger think of his film being shit than anyone else. Has anyone ever seen BBC do an article on how shit his films are?

He just told the world that most people think his films are shit. BUt then got them on his side by putting film critics in a boxing ring. I'm osrry but I thik that is fucking class!

Also, and I've said this before to people when they ask me about Uwe Boll, I HONESTLY believe Uwe Boll would be a fucking excellent producer!

If he could give up the creative side of it, stop FUCKING DIRECTING UWE, and just produce.

THis guy get mroe and more money for each film, even though each one flops worse than the one before. He constantly has "name" actors in his films, ranging from Teen film shitheads like Tara Reid all the way to fucking genius' like Sir Ben Kingsley.

This guy can sell a concept, can sell a movie. Sir Ben must have heard or seen a little about Uwe and his movies. But UWe managed to get him. I've read all about UWe "last minute" way of getting actors. But would you attach your name to a Uwe Boll film? No...

But he can do it. He can talk the talk. And I think, as a producer, he can walk the walk.

:-)
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Postby HollywoodBabylon on Mon Sep 25, 2006 12:34 pm

Boll's sad attempt at being 'controversial' would be laughable if it weren't so pathetic.

Instead of getting into a boxing ring with his critics, wouldn't he've been better off answering them by...oh, I don't know.....maybe making a decent film?
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Postby Al Shut on Mon Sep 25, 2006 12:44 pm

HollywoodBabylon wrote:Boll's sad attempt at being 'controversial' would be laughable if it weren't so pathetic.

Instead of getting into a boxing ring with his critics, wouldn't he've been better off answering them by...oh, I don't know.....maybe making a decent film?


I don't think he wants to answer them, he just wants to smack them in the face without getting sued.


And I believe Jeff Schneider is MiraJeff who sometimes posts reviews o the main site
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Postby Mr. Hyde on Mon Sep 25, 2006 12:53 pm

Wow.. i say the nutsack thing is too quick.. i say that should only be the start. After the sacks are torn free.. hang him from invidual toes.. let gravity do it work.. then work yer way up.. ending with the ears.. by then i think he has felt enough pain.. pain that all the people who sat through his shitty films went through.. THATS revenge.
As for dungeon siege being released in two parts.. BOOOO!! Your not Tarantino.. dun pretend your film is that good..

You goofy-lookin bastid..

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Postby HollywoodBabylon on Mon Sep 25, 2006 1:01 pm

Al_Shut wrote:
HollywoodBabylon wrote:Bol l's sad attempt at being 'controversial' would be laughable if it weren't so pathetic.

Instead of getting into a boxing ring with his critics, wouldn't he've been better off answering them by...oh, I don't know.....maybe making a decent film?


I don't think he wants to answer them, he just wants to smack them in the face without getting sued.


And I believe Jeff Schneider is MiraJeff who sometimes posts reviews o the main site


Actually, believe or not, Mr Boll is not the first film director to give a critic a sock in the jaw. Ingmar Bergman (yes HIM!) once spotted a noted theatre critic watching a rehearsal of a play he was directing in Stockholm. This critic had slaughtered Bergman's previous stage production and had gotten personal with it. So Bergman bounded off stage, chased the critic up the aisle and gave him a juicy right hook which sent the hapless man sprawling. Then apparently Bergman wiped his hands, turned around and without a word walked back onto stage to resume rehearsals to the utter astonishment of everyone who was present.

Of course, this is the only thing Boll and Bergman have in common.
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Postby Brit Pop on Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:12 pm

If Mr Boll-ocks wants to fight a whole line of nay-sayers...

how about we petition him to fight us lot one at a time?

I bagsy second... after Kirk of course.
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Postby Ribbons on Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:19 pm

Although the dude obviously had an unfair advantage, these people didn't have to agree to box him. So it is what it is, really.

I just wish people would stop paying attention to the guy. Shit like this wouldn't happen if they did.
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Postby MasterWhedon on Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:22 pm

Merrick has video of the whole fight up HERE. It ain't pretty.
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