Desperate Housewives: The game.

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Desperate Housewives: The game.

Postby papalazeru on Mon Oct 16, 2006 6:31 pm

I have just seen this appear. No-ones reviewed it......even in the industry so Im gonna play it and review it unless someone else has tried it.

It looks shit.

Can anyone clarify?

Review up by the weekend.
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So Sorry "I'll give you a word to describe it: classless."
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Postby cap on Mon Oct 16, 2006 6:31 pm

:shock:
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Postby AtomicHyperbole on Mon Oct 16, 2006 6:36 pm

You have far too much fucking time on your hands that you could spend fucking.

Jesus, WHY? WHHHHYYYY????
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Postby Chilli on Tue Oct 17, 2006 6:45 am

AtomicHyperbole wrote:You have far too much fucking time on your hands that you could spend fucking.

Jesus, WHY? WHHHHYYYY????


I ask myself that same question.
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Postby Proinsias on Tue Oct 17, 2006 7:09 am

Can't wait. I trust Papa. :P
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Postby godzillasushi on Tue Oct 17, 2006 10:11 am

Game of the Month right there.
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Postby papalazeru on Sun Oct 22, 2006 3:27 pm

After playing the game from Start to finish. Here is my review.

I can understand the need for sim games..

From back in the day where "little computer people" was all about playing around in your house, getting letters, playing on your computer and going to sleep....all the way to the Sims which is 'Sim anything or the wonderful "Second Life"'. Not to say I'm a huge fan of just wasting time doing nothing in a virtual world but, credit where credit is due, some are compulsive gaming (Elite anyone?)

And this game falls smack bang in the middle of nowheresville. If this game were in Elite it would be in Tharg space, that point that happens when your hyperspace fails - a puragtory of pain, a lethargic walk through limbo in a world of nothing.

I just had to review this game because of the 'so bad its good' possibility.

Set in the flamboyant world of Wisteria Lane you start off, like most occupants to this mysterious ordinary suburban street, with a history which you unravel as the game goes on. You have a family - all customisable from when you start the game - boring drull people who wish to do nothing but get in your way. Of course, like any self respecting sim game you have stats which need to be tended to to otherwise they dip, wither and die. Doing such menial things as talking, gossiping, discussing, hugging. seducing (I'll come to that later) and slapping all have an effect on your stats and how happy everyone else is around you. You can also improve your hygiene and your mood by taking showers, watching tele and cleaning your house yada yada...done and dusted before and so many ways better than this.

As for playing the game itself, this consists of you following out your day to day womenly duties as a housewife and talking to other people around Wysteria lane. Each mission is carefully bookended by the wonderfully clinical voice talents of the Brenda Strong who plays the dead narrator in the show just as a prologue or conclusion to each part. The missions themselves are carefully moulded and stylised to make you hone your skills in being bored and uninterested; these vary from finding out what your son was talking about when he said "I shot him in the head and he was totally dead" to solving a murder case. This is all typical 'by the numbers stuff', you just follow the arrows to who you are supposed to speak to or to what you are supposed to interact with and do it. Anything to make the game go faster. Intrigue in this game is left well and truly on the floor right next to the opened wrapping, its dull. Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull. You are limited to a playing area which can only be equated to a womb and 'the mall' - one of America's great inventions - is frakkin' claustraphobic. Yes, thats it - 2 playing areas, Wisteria Lane (and the houses that are there) and the mall (which is smaller than my little toe nail).

The only aspect which I actually enjoyed was one of the three sub-games available to you (Cooking, Gardening and cleaning). Cooking was the only thing which kept me in the game. You choose from a range of dishes, each more complex than the previous level and through a range of motions and clicking you cook, chop, stir and fry your way to a successful meal for your family. At the end you rated for your speed, precision chopping and cooking a the right temperature. I felt a compulsion to get all the A+'s possible - and for a while - I enjoyed it. It kept the tedium of the rest of the game away from me. Tending your garden is just a matter of spraying the bugs, planting flowers, weeding and watering - Crap!

Some novel game interactions include seducing every other male in the street, this all leads to the same animation sequence as the one you get when you get jiggy with your own hubby...and its as rubbish as anything. No rolling under the covers, just a quick kiss and then being pulled onto the bed - all viewed from outside the door. Seduction involves going up to someone and chatting them up with the limited number of choices you have, it will either lead to the bedroom or nothing will happen, there are no further repurcussions for your actions. Alternatively, if you find someone flirting with your husband you can slap that bitch up with the 'Slap' command, it was mildly amusing the first time I did it and I couldn't be bothered anymore. None of this is integral to completing the game, which should take you less than a day.

The additional customisable objects during play really dont reach anyone. You can buy new costumes, haricuts, suits, shoes, upgrade furtniture, recarpet your house and paint the walls. All done is the most tedious way.

Graphically, this is the Sims all over except with a limited range of options - sims lite. Walking into houses causes you to have a 1/2 wall view so you can see inside, to view the second floor you have to walk up the stairs. This is just bland tasteless stuff, its difficult to even call this a game when it feels like its more a challenge to not gnaw your own fingers off to stop you playing it.

Audio was pretty much below par, no added effects like bird calls from outside. There was nothing here but the basic sounds which they needed and some rather irritating noises upon mouse clicks.

Gameplay just sucked. It became incredibly frustrating when everytime you wanted to enter a house you had to click on the door and then press "open door" then click to walk in. The stairs also promoted a similar burst of outrage - Click, "Go upstairs" and off she went. Why would you have to do that in your own house? Would it have been so hard to make it automatic? Camera Angles were terrible, especially when inside the house but thankfully the mouse wheel allowed you to change viewpoints easily enough. As day merges into night during the game you get to thinking that every day is the same and there really isn't any point in continuing. Click, "open medicine cabinet", click, "Eat paracetamol", click on drinks cabinet, "Open drinks cabinet", Click vodka, "Drink the lot" and wait....There was no variations between the days at all, no rain, no sunset, no fog and no raining cats and dogs. When a game this bad comes along you at least want some nice touches to keep it off the bottom but no. There is nothing.

No sooner was it installed, it left my machine with a lovely 3 gig whole which I am pleased to fill with something else.

BuenaVista games should be ashamed at pushing something like this, no time has been invested, no talent has been shown and no clue as to how to make a game. Thank you for ruining the world of gaming.

The whole thing feels like a really stupid attempt at getting girls into gaming. Yes! Because all girls are the same and they love cooking and cleaning and gossiping - I think that speaks volumes about BuenaVista games than the actual game itself.

If The Sims, is a garden then Desperate Housewives: The game, is the rotting compost heap a the back.

3/10
Papa: The musical!

Padders: "Not very classy! Not very classy at all!"
So Sorry "I'll give you a word to describe it: classless."
Cptn Kirks 2pay: ".....utterly unclassy....."
DennisMM: "...Decidedly unclassy..."
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Re: Desperate Housewives: The game.

Postby roseseeds on Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:15 am

Set in the baroque apple of Wisteria Lane you alpha off, like a lot of occupants to this abstruse accustomed burghal street, with a history which you break as the bold goes on. You accept a ancestors - all customisable from if you alpha the bold - arid drull humans who ambition to do annihilation but get in your way.


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