I want a Lear Jet NOW! Click here to find out THE SECRET...

[Seppuku]

The Secret is currently Amazon.com's Number 1-selling DVD, and if you ask me, it's the scariest thing I've seen since I asked my dad what "blouching" was (true story). Apparently Oprah Winfrey pimped it on her show, and then suddenly they started selling faster than Britney & K-Fed pirate porn DVDs.

The actual secret is that you can get whatever you want... with your mind!!!

I was flicking through the reviews, and it all seemed alarmingly po-faced, so I figured I'd write my own. And, within 25 minutes, it had already got 12 negative ratings.

To all those bad-heads who would have us believe that these people are out to make "money," well I have one thing to say to y'all...

You don't FEEEEEEL it.

You have to FEEEEEEL it to make it happen. What is it, exactly? Well it is the eternal manifestation of chimera-conduit-into-reality complexes as filtered through the mindstream.

You have to FEEEEEEL it.

All those poor people living in the ghettos, shooting crack, sodomising, bad-mouthing Jesus.

They don't FEEEEEEL it.

All those people writing negative (neg-a-tive/make-a-tiff... think about it) reviews for THE SECRET, well they're obviously attempting to clog up the reality complexes with odious green blood cells, thus stunting the sails of THE SECRET. Why do they want to make other people, people like Rhonda Byrne, poor?

Because they don't FEEEEEL it.

It has been calculated that the atmosphere directly above third world countries has been made thinner by their constant griping and make-a-tiff attitudes; this is why there is no water to make vegetation and food. Well, all I have to say to them is this: there's always water below the ground, you just have to think hard enough and it will rise to the surface.

You have to FEEEEEL it.

They don't FEEEEEEL it.

To summarise, how else did God create the world if not by compounded thought pattern fluctuations? Huh, answer me that!

Because He FEEEEEELS it.


FEEEEEELS it.

Is this thing a marketing ploy? Do you think it can actually do some good? Can you will away a brain tumour or that dude at the office who always comes in smelling of dog hair?

Me, I think it's insane that so many people have become so obsessed with what is pretty much a re-hash of Buddhism.

EDIT: Here's the Amazon page with the trailer on it... cool genie!

[Ribbons]

Heh. Speaking of exploitation...

[TheBaxter]

the cult of Winfrey must be stopped!!!

[ONeillSG1]

Uh-oh. The Secret has infiltrated the Zone.

It's Herc's fault no doubt.

[instant_karma]

Hold on!

There's Britney and K-Fed porn DVDs?

[havocSchultz]

Is this thing a marketing ploy? Do you think it can actually do some good? Can you will away a brain tumour or that dude at the office who always comes in smelling of dog hair?

Apparentely it doesn't work...

Cause you're still here...

[ONeillSG1]

Hold on!

There's Britney and K-Fed porn DVDs?

Well, according to The Secret, there is. It's all about positive visualization. Visualize the porn and it will appear.

[Keepcoolbutcare]

The Secret is currently Amazon.com's Number 1 selling DVD... apparently Oprah Winfrey pimped it on her show... the actual secret is that you can get whatever you want... with your mind!!!

i read it before you had to sign up, but here's the first couple paragraphs from a denunciation of Oprah and her pimping of THE SECRET from Salon...

Steve Martin used to do a routine that went like this: "You too can be a millionaire! It's easy: First, get a million dollars. Now..."

If you put that routine between hard covers, you'd have "The Secret," the self-help manifesto and bottle of minty-fresh snake oil currently topping the bestseller lists. "The Secret" espouses a "philosophy" patched together by an Australian talk-show producer named Rhonda Byrne. Though "The Secret" unabashedly appropriates and mishmashes familiar self-help cliches, it was still the subject of two recent episodes of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" featuring a dream team of self-help gurus, all of whom contributed to the project.

The main idea of "The Secret" is that people need only visualize what they want in order to get it -- and the book certainly has created instant wealth, at least for Rhonda Byrne and her partners-in-con. And the marketing idea behind it -- the enlisting of that dream team, in what is essentially a massive, cross-promotional pyramid scheme -- is brilliant. But what really makes "The Secret" more than a variation on an old theme is the involvement of Oprah Winfrey, who lends the whole enterprise more prestige, and, because of that prestige, more venality, than any previous self-help scam. Oprah hasn't just endorsed "The Secret"; she's championed it, put herself at the apex of its pyramid, and helped create a symbiotic economy of New Age quacks that almost puts OPEC to shame.

from what I recall, Birkenhead goes on to rail against the "Oprah-ization" of our culture in a fairly even-balanced and well thought-out argument.

good read.

[papalazeru]

The Uk zoners now know where you live Sepp....expect punishment for not coming to a meet up.

Sorry, nothing of this book, the video or anything anyone has written can sell this cheesy shit to me.

I'd rather watch David Ike talk about Lizards and the Government or the Ike Turner seminar on 'How to treat a lady'.

Fuck this bullshit.

Anyone else bought this crap or is Seppu the only one to fall into this trap.

Be careful...he has the secret now....he must know where we live as he is one of the knights Templar.

[ONeillSG1]

Knights Templar?

The good ones like in National Treasure and Last Crusade or the bad ones like the Da Vinci Code?

[papalazeru]

Knights Templar?

The good ones like in National Treasure and Last Crusade or the bad ones like the Da Vinci Code?

There is no good or bad....only Zuul.

[Seppuku]

Is this thing a marketing ploy? Do you think it can actually do some good? Can you will away a brain tumour or that dude at the office who always comes in smelling of dog hair?

Apparentely it doesn't work...

Cause you're still here...

You see, it's negative comments like this that explain why you're still banging ones out over CptKirks2pay.

You've gotta think positive havoc; if you visualise hard enough you can get the REAL Kirk!

Well, by visualise I mean rub yourself in otter semen.

[havocSchultz]

Okay...

I'm visualizing you reading my script right now...

[Seppuku]

Scripts are for negative people.

I'm visualising the studios cutting out everything but the scene with the monkeys humping and renaming it Ed II.

[havocSchultz]

A-ha!

So you did read it...

[Lady Sheridan]

Well, since Gerard Butler has yet to show up in my overheated office, I cry FOUL!!!

[Peven]

Oprah is a disease that makes ebola look like a mild cold.

[Fievel]

Bill Maher had Deepak Chopra on his show a week or so ago and they talked about this book -- how it sells the idea of greed in a pretty little package.

Oprah must be stopped. Now.

[Seppuku]

I'd rather watch David Ike talk about Lizards and the Government.

Hahahaha, that reminds me of something that happened with a friend of mine a couple of years ago. He called me up at 3am and said in a really highly-strung voice, "I need to show something to you...right away!" Now, I'm an open guy, so if he wanted to get his wang out or something I wouldn't be all that shocked, and he only lived around the corner, so I figured it was worth popping round. Well, before I even knocked on the door he opened it, took me to his room, and popped a disc in the DVD player.

"This man used to be a goalkeeper for Coventry...before he started... showing people the way."

He then showed me a film featuring this tubby dude talking about how George Bush is a lizard for an hour. He even got out a real slide projector with real slides of a komodo dragon and of George Bush yawning!

Now, I'll admit, he does have a point, but...what the fuck? I'd have preferred being shown my mate's wang instead of that crap.

Seppuku's friend later moved onto a post in the construction industry. He now says of his Icke Days, "Yeah, I was a bit up my own arse, weren't I?"

David Icke has admitted that SOME freemasons may just be salamanders and not actual lizards, but only some.

Seppuku is now working in freelance web design. He is a founding member of the David Gest Cult, and gives 98% of his wages to David Gest in the hope that he will one day let him in on the secret to eternal bliss. As of writing this, he has yet to receive a response from the estate of Mr. Gest.

[TheBaxter]

problem with the Secret is it only gives half the equation: 1. visualize what you want and you will have it

they left out the second part: 2. be oprah winfrey

it's easy to get what you want by visualizing it, if you have billions of dollars in the bank like she does

it's a shame because visualization itself is a good technique for a lot of things. sports figures use it all the time, to focus and to pump up their confidence, and i do believe that it can help with things like that, where your attitude plays a part in your success or failure at something. but applying that to material objects, like saying you can afford an expensive car if you just visualize it... that's just ALF.

[Seppuku]

Sure, visualising, getting rid of doubt, all of that can help you achieve whatever goals you want; but that isn't the real secret here. The real secret that this Rhonda Byrnes chick discovered is that you can crush any criticisms of your book/movie by bandying out phrases like: "your 'criticism' is just negative thought energy".

Seriously, flick through the comments on any negative reviews Amazon has got running (and kudos to them for having the balls to Spotlight two reviews slamming their number one product) and you'll see what I mean. I haven't seen so much passive aggression since I kicked Stephen Hawking in the balls.

[The Garbage Man]

I haven't seen so much passive aggression since I kicked Stephen Hawking in the balls.

IFEELBADFORLAUGHINGATTHATILASH!

[havocSchultz]

Right now... I'm visualizing a Catherine Zeta-Jones Throat Job...
















Well whaddaya know...

[papalazeru]

Right now...I'm visualizing a Catherine Zeta-Jones Throat Job...


Well whaddaya know...

Somehow, I don't think you are getting either a throat job or catherine z-jones... or both.

If I were you, I would wake up right now becuase your dog is having far too much fun with your pert havoc lips.

[minstrel]

So why is this thing so damn popular? Is it because Oprah is pushing it, and anything Oprah pushes sells like, well, like something Oprah pushes?

Or is it that the American public is so dimwitted and desperate and grasping and greedy that they REALLY BELIEVE this bag of hooey?

[Tyrone_Shoelaces]

At first glance the trailer comes off as trying to cash in on the Da Vinci craze but then I noticed the shitty production values and my bullshit detector went off. Sure enough, "For only $20 you too can find out The Secret." SCAM! If there really was some long lost secret to making everything you want come true it would cost a lot more than $20. A lot more.

[minstrel]

So you get a Lear jet just by "asking the universe" for it? What if the universe is out of Lear jets? What if the Lear jet company is backordered?

You know how some companies give employee discounts? I mean, like maybe Nike gives employees 15% or something off the retail price of shoes? OK, so what's the employee discount for Lear jets? 20%? 30%? At what point would a Lear jet employee purchase a Lear jet rather than, say, a Gulfstream or Falconjet or something?

I bet executives at Lear lose sleep over this kind of stuff.

[tapehead]

The Secret is currently Amazon.com's Number 1 selling DVD... apparently Oprah Winfrey pimped it on her show... the actual secret is that you can get whatever you want...with your mind!!!

i read it before you had to sign up, but here's the first couple paragraphs from a denunciation of Oprah and her pimping of THE SECRET from Salon...

The more I read, the more it sounds like Calvinism to me.

[papalazeru]

I'm sorry but how to people fall for this shit.

Just by labelling the book 'Secret' and Oprah loves it, it sells. This is just a pile of shit.

Here...I'll tell you basically what it says,

"Believe in yourself and go for it".

There you go, mail me $20

[Wolfpack]

I'm not surprised. These people were easily fooled by James Frey, so it stands to reason that they would be fooled by a scam as obvious as this.

[havocSchultz]

I'm sorry but how to people fall for this shit.

Just by labelling the book 'Secret' and Oprah loves it, it sells. This is just a pile of shit.

Here...I'll tell you basically what it says,

"Believe in yourself and go for it".

There you go, mail me $20

Will you take a cheque...?

[minstrel]

I wonder if Oprah and the author are offering a money-back guarantee if your life isn't absolutely perfect after, say, six months ...

[The Garbage Man]

The more I read, the more it sounds like Calvinism to me.

How so?

[Pacino86845]

Mission: Amazon Raid
Leader: seppuku

GO GO GO!!!

[minstrel]

Mission: Amazon Raid
Leader: seppuku

GO GO GO!!!

Not sure I want to follow a leader named "seppuku"

[Seppuku]

Not sure I want to follow a leader named "seppuku"

Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack!

[they all stab themselves]

Suicide Squad Leader: That showed Amazon, huh?

[minstrel]

Egg-zactly.

[Keepcoolbutcare]

Vern whispers sweet nothings about the Secret (shhh!)

The back of the box tells you how there's this amazing, amazing secret that's been passed down for hundreds of years, all the great minds from Einstein to Benjamin Franklin to Bruce Springsteen or somebody (maybe not Bruce, I can't remember) have used this secret and it has made them great and rich and have huge dicks forever and get laid constantly and invent electricity and now thank the fucking Lord or the magic viking crystals that finally somebody put The Secret on DVD so that you can pay money to have the secret that has always been secreted away from you. UNTIL NOW. Because of THE SECRET.

If you have sat around wishing for a giant pile of cocaine and it has not appeared, this is why: negativity. For a minute there you must've been thinking, "This is ridiculous, how could cocaine magically appear here? Oprah lied to me." That's what fucked it up, that thought there. Start over.

Then of course there is Jesus. He kept thinking negative thoughts so they nailed him to a cross. You asked for it Jesus. Shoulda used The Secret.

I got a rule: no doctors who believe you can grow kidneys with your mind. This is where it gets dangerous, they are actually telling people to deal with their health problems by ignoring them. Isn't that how Jim Henson died? I wonder if there's Kermit blood on those cars that Oprah gives out.

almost too easy, like bobbing for dead fish in a shallow barrel, but zounds is it funny...

[Seppuku]

Vern wrote a review on it? I'm officially glad The Secret exists.

[TheBaxter]

Vern wrote a review on it? I'm officially glad The Secret exists.

the only reason vern reviewed it is because i wished for it to happen.

[minstrel]

Vern's review is, actually, wonderful. As always, he's funny as hell while being right on target.

[Seppuku]

Vern's review is, actually, wonderful. As always, he's funny as hell while being right on target.

Mos def.

I've read it twice already, and it confirms my theory that Vern really is at his best when he's on his own web "sight"

[minstrel]

"Probaly"

[instant_karma]

If this thing works, it means that not a single one of the morons that bought it has wished for an end to war, pollution, poverty, religious and racial hatred and American Idol.

Selfish fuckers...

[minstrel]

If this thing works, it means that not a single one of the morons that bought it has wished for an end to war, pollution, poverty, religious and racial hatred and American Idol.

Selfish fuckers...

Stop thinking so negatively! Think of them all wishing for all those things!

And if it doesn't all come true, it's YOUR fault!!

[instant_karma]

Are you visualizing me wishing for them to visualize world peace?

'Cause if you are, you're not doing it properly...

[minstrel]

Are you visualizing me wishing for them to visualize world peace?

'Cause if you are, you're not doing it properly...

Hey! Why isn't Oprah doing all this for us? She's the one who oughtta be!

[tapehead]

The more I read, the more it sounds like Calvinism to me.

How so?

'Cos I'm a vague, forgetful douche. I was actaully reminded about stuff I'd read years ago in an essay called 'The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism' by Max Weber, which is only partially concerned with the Calvinist work ethic. I dug the essay up and am re-reading it now.

[MonkeyM666]

I knew there was something about you that didn't sit right tape. Augustinian bastard!

[The Garbage Man]

The more I read, the more it sounds like Calvinism to me.

How so?

'Cos I'm a vague, forgetful douche. I was actaully reminded about stuff I'd read years ago in an essay called 'The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism' by Max Weber, which is only partially concerned with the Calvinist work ethic. I dug the essay up and am re-reading it now.

From what I remember in my (very limited) study of Calvinism, it was more about predestination (although Calvin himself hated the word) and the defense of God's ultimate power rather than positive thinking.

John Calvin based his philosophy on the caveat that God is omnipotent and omniscient, and (OK, this is where I start cribbing from a mid-term I once wrote criticizing Calvinism) was concerned with guarding the absolute power, majesty, and sovereignty of God; to say, then, that man has a role in his own salvation is, according to Calvinism, to subtract from that power. Calvin's theology flows from five tenets, each dependent on the others: total hereditary depravity (that is, original sin), unconditional election (predestination of salvation), limited atonement (those not chosen to be saved, aren't), irresistible grace (those chosen are given the Holy Spirit and are saved and cleansed of sin), and the perseverance of the saints (once saved, one cannot be unsaved).

Basically, Calvin believed "liberatus a coactione," that God determines irresistibly all we do - both good and bad. That's sort of the opposite of The Secret's message, which I take to be (the oh-so-wise and original) "you can do/obtain anything you put your mind to."

That's the way I see it anyway, but I'd love to hear your view of things, tape.

(Sorry for the religion-jack, everyone! Please don't boot this to the EFBR!)